In light of yesterday’s post that sometimes you have to just get some rambling out of your mind and onto the digital white screen, today’s post is brought to you by a random life event.
With life being a mess thus far this year, I find getting back into writing isn’t as difficult as it seems, unless you have a purpose. If I sit down to just write fictionally, my focus is regularly interrupted by ridiculousness that doesn’t need to be acknowledged. However, I’m all about getting back into routine in any manner that works, so today we’re talking poop. Yes, you read that correctly.
One of the best ways I let my imagination go is to be busy. I don’t sit around and day dream all day, but rather day dream while I’m doing things. Today I took the house by storm, laundry, vacuuming, dishes, etc. When that was all caught up, I still had most of the day in front of me (I’m kind of a house cleaning ninja), so I decided to take the dogs and kids for a walk. I hadn’t realized when I made this decision that the usual walking stroller was in the vehicle my wife had taken to work, and so I was left with a smaller, more of an ‘in case of emergency’ stroller. That’s fine, I can make do. What I didn’t realize was that I hadn’t stocked this stroller up with bags to clean up after my dogs. So halfway through our walk when my sheltie decided to stop and do his business, I had nothing to clean it up with. So naturally, I did what any conscious-of-other-people person would do—I dragged him along on the leash and cut him off. Mostly because this was on somebody else’s front lawn. I felt horrible for having to cut the poor boy off, but I didn’t want to be the reason somebody has to clean up dog crap from their front lawn. I’ll leave that to some other asshat. Naturally, when we got home, Asher has some finishing to do, and while I tidied up the yard, my two-year-old daughter, Elena, came up calling my name.
“What is it baby?” I asked.
“Ew, ew, ew!” She shouts, holding out her hand. I see some grass clippings on it, no big deal, I just mowed the lawn.
“It’s just grass baby.”
She looks down at her hand, back at me, and through her soother shouts “Yucky poo!”
I look again and find some smears of brown on her hand. Oh…that’s not grass. Then she proceeded to spread her fingers apart, showing more than just a few smears. Awesome.
So daddy-nina-style, I pick her up with one hand, holding her other hand out in front of her so she can’t touch me or anything else. The bathroom counter down here isn’t very large, so I take her to the kitchen sink. I place her in and begin to sanitize the hell out of her. I think I’m done, only to look down and realize it’s all over her foot. Son of a bitch. She didn’t just reach down and grab the poop (which she’s been known to do from time to time), she stepped in it, and tried to use her hand to wipe it off. Now it’s on her hand, her sandal, and in between her toes. Man, this day just keeps getting better and better.
Once I finish de-pooping, sanitizing, cleaning, drying, and calming the upset demon child down, I have to go back to work on the kitchen sink, do the same to it, and then go outside and clean all the ‘I just stepped in poop and I’m going to walk all over the patio’ foot prints off outside.
Phew! Now we’re ready to put the baby down for a nap and relax.
What’s the moral of the story? If you’re unprepared to pick up your dog’s poop while on a walk, don’t cut him off. Just accept responsibility that you were unprepared, apologize to the higher powers, and acknowledge that you were, for just one moment, a dick. Why? Because that poor person still has half a log of dog poop to pick up off their lawn anyway, and even though it’s less than it would have been and I was trying not to be an asshat, I was an asshat for being unprepared and leaving half a log of crap on their yard. My punishment? Almost instant payback via poo karma.
Well, now that it’s just after lunch, I can only imagine what the rest of this day will bring. With my luck, the cat’s going to do some kind of jumping ninja attack and pee all over my face mid-air.