The reason I’m telling this story, as opposed to letting my wife tell you, is because her vision is skewed. She has this memory in her mind about the day we visited the zoo that goes something like this: “My giant-like boyfriend threw me to the ground to potentially be eaten by zombies, while he ran screaming for the hills.” Naturally, there are two things wrong with this picture. First, there are obviously some missing details. Second, I would never do something like that…
It was many, many moons ago, when said wife was known only as girlfriend.
A clear blue sky hung above us, while the sun flared and cast a blanket of warmth against our skin. A soft breeze made the nearly intolerable Canadian heat bearable, and there were animals from all over the world awaiting us beyond the gates.
Excitement filled both of us as each step took us closer to the entrance. Neither me, nor my wife, had been to the zoo since we were little and we were both looking forward to the day. I don’t remember what section we started in, but there were peacocks EVERYWHERE.
I’ve never been to any other zoo so I don’t know if it’s normal, but at the Calgary Zoo they have a bunch of peacocks just strutting their stuff…and watching you. They’re always watching. They flaunt their feathers, fluff up their tails, and give you that “I could kill you if I wanted to, but I’d rather eat these French fries that kid just threw out of his stroller” look.
They’re like beautiful seagulls, without the risk of being pooped on. They scrounge up what someone else was too lazy to discard, and they love every minute of it.
We’d spent a good part of our day watching the animals, eating ridiculous amounts of junk food, and enjoying each other’s company. We were holding hands while soft white petals fluttered down from the flowering tress above. Young love was blossoming. The crowds danced and sang around us – we were practically in our very own musical: The Lion King Matt. It was a great day.
Meanwhile, while I was obliviously falling in love, the peacocks were planning their attack. Their ultimate goal: To make Matt look like a giant baby and potentially crush all potential for a future love life. Little did they know, they were unprepared for my cat-like reflexes.
The sun washed over us, lowering in the sky as the day faded away, and we continued our stroll through the zoo. Lions, tigers, and one strange buffalo that made weird wheezing sounds, later, and we were nearly done. My charming self was busy weaving an entertaining tale for my future wife, when out of nowhere, a dark blur shot from the bushes. It was aimed at my head and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was coming at me.
I didn’t think, I only reacted. Agent Matt came out of hiding from beneath my handsome, young exterior, and I moved to deflect. I gripped my future wife’s hand and broke into a sprint the other way. I could feel the beasts’ hot breath on the back of my neck, but I didn’t look back – looking back meant death.
I got a few feet away and my wife’s grip broke from my hand.
“Nooooooo!” I screamed.
I was certain the colorful beasts had her in their grip. I turned around, and I was right! The peacocks were holding her back, flocking around her and keeping her hostage.
Anger reverberated inside me as an oversized, colorful bird strayed from the group. His beady eyes were locked with mine and I knew he was their leader. He had orchestrated this attack and his job was done. The flock had separated me from my future wife, and they fluttered their gorgeous feathers in a vibrant taunt. Dark eyes on the tips of their tails moved, penetrating my wife’s mind and slurring her memories.
The peacock leader squawked, but it was obvious laughter that infuriated me. I crept towards him, my fingers ready to pluck each of his perfect feathers from his robust body, but panic seared his eyes and he fluttered away.
The other birds followed his lead, retreating from their unmet fate as my future dinner, and left me with a wife who will forever believe me a coward. All because they shook their tail feathers and unleashed a memory distorting power over her.
What the peacocks did to her can never be undone, but one thing is for certain – I will have my revenge. Nobody puts baby in the…I mean nobody messes with my girl’s mind without my say so. Nobody.